Diary of a Ghost
by Dallas2056
Summary: Sherlock is watching John from afar after "the fall". He wants to return to John but is waiting for the right time, but will it be too late. WARNING: Rated M for possible suicide


February 23

Deduction has always come to me so easily, but when it comes to myself I can barely muddle through the things that I am feeling. Love is a useless emotion that clouds the judgment of even the best men; and I see it so much in the people around me. I never understood how or why this was so, that is until now.

I thought that I knew what love felt like when I met Miss Adler. Her presence and interest in me made me feel like butterfly's were constantly in my abdomen, and when I thought her dead I felt that my world would no longer be the same. That is not but a mere infatuation compared to what I feel right now.

I am sitting here in this run down, mice infested flat; waiting and counting down until I can go home again. All I can do is sit here and think, and try to deduce when I happened. I remember the exact moment that I truly realized I am in love, but as I reflect more and more I realize that I really have always loved my soldier. He is the only person to know who and what I am without running away or thinking me inhuman. He praised me for what others thought was a sick joke. No one has ever appreciated me like he does. But the moment I realized all of this is when Moriarty threatened the live of all those whom I care about. The first person I thought of was, "John," and I knew then and there that I would do whatever it took to keep him alive. And I did; I jumped from that building knowing that this would hurt John, but at least he would live.

March 19

I have started to follow John though the streets of London. I think he suspects, I can see him looking around trying to find the culprit. I may be a beginner at love, but at tracking and hiding I am no amateur.

He visits my grave at least every other day and I can see that this burden is weighing on him. He is disheveled and looks as though he has not slept in days. One more week and I will go to him; he can punch, yell, and even storm away from me, but he will know how I feel.

One more week.

March 26

I don't know what to do with my life any more. Lestrade and Mycroft are here, they won't leave my side. I think they are afraid. Afraid that the moment they leave I am going to off myself.

I saw John today. I was following him like normal and he headed to St. Bart's. I should have followed him inside, but I knew I would be recognized and today I was revealing myself to John alone. I sat on a bench outside and what I say next was unimaginable. I saw my Dear John on the ledge above mere seconds before he jumped. My heart stopped as he fell, and I ran, and ran but I did not get there in time, though there was nothing I could have done to stop it. I could not form a coherent thought until I heard a strangled gasp from the man at my feet.

"Why John, Why," I choked through sobs. The last words I heard from the only person I have ever and will ever love were, "because I wanted to see you one last time." I could not grasp what was happening, it could not be real, but I held him as I watched the light slowly fade from his beautiful eyes. We would never get to have a future together, there was so much that we were still meant to do.

How will I go on?

March 29

Mycroft is making me go to the flat to find a place for his things. I do not want to go to the flat, I do not want to see the memories that we made there, or be reminded of the things that I have now lost, but I go anyways.

Every room is empty now but one; I would not allow Mycroft and his men near John's room. This was too personal. I stood outside his room for nearly an hour trying to get myself to go in but I could not bear the thought of wiping the last traces of my love from this flat. When I finally walk in I am assailed with the scent of him. Everything in his room screams John. I can't hold it in anymore and I break down into sobs on his bed. As I shift on the mattress I hear a crackling.

There is a letter on his pillow. I sit up clutching this last piece of John trying to clear my eyes so I can see, and what I see breaks my heart because he knew I was alive but still jumped.

_Sherlock,_

_I know that it seems hard, like there is no longer a future for you, but there is. This world needs a mind like yours; there is no one else on this planet like you. You have to save this world from itself._

_No matter what happens, you have to promise me you will help wherever and whenever you can. I know you do not see yourself as a good guy but you truly are. I know of no one who would sacrifice as much as you to protect those around them._

_Just remember that I love you, and I always have._

_Love always,_

_John_

And so I know now what I must do, I must become one of the Angels.


End file.
